This wasn’t supposed to be my next blog post because I have two others I am currently trying to finish and get posted. But since I deleted Instagram, which I tend to use to rant and tell the world how I am feeling (I like being real), I have no outlet. I could journal but when I need to rant… I need to let things out a lot quicker and typing is, obviously, faster than writing.
It’s quite obvious there has been tension between my mom and I lately. I don’t like to put blame on others but hear me out. I’ve been on a spiritual journey ever since the end of summer last year. I’ve noticed inner growth and a more calm, peaceful, positive state of mind within myself. My mother does not practice any form of mental healing. Focussing on achieving a healthy mindset is equally as important as focusing on achieving a healthy body. I think this is what she (and several people) fail to understand.
I am constantly (so much so, that I’m seriously exhausted) trying to teach her this. I always suggest meditation. I always suggest positive thinking and try to turn her thoughts around. But her mind is molded like bricks and nothing is budging. It’s closed off and there is no openness surrounding the brick wall around the way her mind operates.
This past mother’s day I wrote in her card, “we have limited time on Earth together, please don’t let this be a negative time…” But she read it without even thinking about the deeper meaning and laughed at the gift I gave her without any thought into what I was trying to say.
I thought things might turn around and there would be a brighter future for our relationship. Of course, how could I think it could be that easy? Today has already started again with her negative energy radiating into mine and it hurts my soul because I do not allow negativity (or negative people) in my life. But she’s my mother. I can’t simply toss that out of my life. I want to help her but it’s, again, exhausting. I get nowhere.
As I’m typing this I see multiple messages from her rolling in. I can only imagine she thinks I’m being rude and she’s becoming defensive. Here’s how today’s conversation has gone:
**[Italics are her, regular font is me. In bold, what she could have said in response with a healthier mindset]**
“Hi could you sweep floor”
“I’m doing laundry and going climbing. Also have to Skype Lindsay soon, shower and then write.”
“Don’t ask for rides today. Thought you could help out a little since your not working.”
Oh, wow! I didn’t know you had a lot to do today. Maybe if you have time you can sweep? Or tomorrow?
“Oh my god. Can you please stop being like this? I said I would help out but today I already have too much on my agenda. Did you forget my biggest dream is to be an author? I am working – ON MY NOVEL.
“What do you think that statement in your card meant?! I don’t want a negative relationship and you are causing one.”
[side note: my family doesn’t take my writing seriously which is often very hurtful]
“Why don’t you take your own advice, it works both ways”
I’m sorry, I often forget how much it means to you. I’ll think about what you said in the card and make an effort to keep things positive.
[I say something lengthy next and the lack of response infuriates me and makes me so frustrated that I have to close my eyes and breathe]
“I just simply told you I WILL CLEAN but today I cannot
“Mom I am the one who is always meditating and healing myself. You pour negativity out of your mouth on a daily basis and you need to learn that you are putting it into the universe and that is why nothing good may ever come.
“You attract what you put out in the universe
“That snappy remark was negative. Calling people names is negative. Swearing is negative. Not acknowledging your daughter’s passion in life is negative
“Whining is negative. Negative feelings are negative. The list goes on
“Find peace and joy and love and things will turn around.”
“Live in the real world
“I’m driving don’t text me”
I didn’t even realize how negative I’ve been. Forgive me for it? What keeps you so positive? How do I start meditating? Will you show me?
“That comment was negative as well because you’re not even being open minded to accepting that your thoughts are pessimistic and they actually SHAPE your real world”
Haven’t heard back yet, but if I can guess what happens next: She will be home and come in yelling, saying negative things. Going on about how I’m sitting in bed doing nothing. When in reality, I am working on my novel and waiting to Skype my friend.
I honestly believe an intervention is needed. This is just my day TODAY. Other days are so, so much worse and I cannot even believe how she has functioned this long without even considering bettering her mind. It is so sad to witness.
If anyone has any advice for helping a parent who needs help, please reach out. This is becoming increasingly more serious as the weeks pass by. You can reach out on my contact page if you want to get in touch!
Love and light and all is well.
ps. I hear the garage opening. Pray for me. But mostly for her.